22nd of july

22nd of July... a date that i have been trying so hard to avoid, a date that i have done so many to forget, a date that i had been praying so hard to be taken out from the calendar.... huh, how stupid cud i be.. life goes on and as much as i hate it, i know that there is nothing i can do to not to live on this particular date... unless God take my life the day before this day - which i hope mine was taken instead of his...

I woke up this morning, exactly on 3 am in the morning, feeling tight on the chest.. feeling so heavy on the head.. i was intended to take the inhaler on the cupboard when i accidently dropped my phone.. i was strucked. Eventually, all the pain went away... replaced by a more painful ache in my heart. My hand trembled, my knees weakened – not because of the chest and the head but the memories within my whole body.. rushing from all parts of my tiny hands, feet, everywhere... racing to my mind and to be projected beyond my eyes..

Oh, Lord~ it was today... it was this exact date... please, please keep me strong....

For quite sometimes, i cudnt be able to move. The only thing that seems alive are the tears strolling down my cheecks... slowly, i walked away from the bed, reaching for something in my box. I put it closely to my chest which are now bumping so fast. Mumbling, i prayed.

When i finally settled down, i closed my eyes, knowing i wont be able to sleep for a while.

Painfully, slowly, i was taken to six years back... remembering that it was today in yesteryears i had lost a friend, someone who was,is and will always be very special to me... during those days, i wasn’t a person who i am as today.. atleast, i think so... i was always cheerful and always positive.. i was brave and will never let go of any chance to be outstanding... im always at the front and a true risk-taker... and besides me, there he is... always be there for me... always be there with me.. we were friends for so many reasons.... but never for a romantic-kinda thing... we were kids, remind you... we were sincere... pure...

We came from not-so-but-a-glance-slightly-different world... but we compliment each other... he taught me what life is all about... and i taught him what afterlife is supposed to be.. he taught me the reality... and i taught him life’s purity... we were fourteen and promised we’ll be friends till the end...

And the end came sooner than we thought...

3 am... 22nd of July, 2002... a brain illness put a STOP.his life.my life.our friendship.

“KEMATIAN ADALAH SATU KEPASTIAN”

Since then, it is hard for me. Not once im able to keep a friendship. I became concious. I became anxious. I fear almost everything. And many times i have lost friends becoz of my fear losing them.. it is hard, as keeping water with my two bare hands, for me to find friends... i fear of being alone but alone i am...

His death – changed me.

His memories –made me.

My friend, you will always be remembered... AL-FATIHAH~

p/s. To all my friends, i am really sori for being such a headache today...