*sigh*

hmm... i know its not a good thing to sigh and constantly complaining... but i cant help it.... and right now i am beyond pissed... it is an oh-my-so-CURIOUS thing on how human can feel so on-top-of-cloudy-white-clouds happy but change to let-me-kill-someone angry in just a minute after... and i am feeling that rite now...


oh God.... please help me thru this....



huh
huh
huh~~

just leave me alone.. please...

UPGRADING...

phewww~~ it had been soooooo long since i did anything to this blog!!! its been quite some time.... huhuhu and A LOT had changed~ i dun even know where to start..

hmmm.. rite now im trying to change the layout of this blog... umi eagerly changed hers a few days ago and that kinda intrigued me to do the same thing.... but it turns out to be sooo hard and require a lot of work... so being the lazy and oh-so-easy me, i decided to do it differently... huhuhu... well, i better get start.. cant wait to see the outcome~~

hopefully, after the layoutof this blog has change, i'll find the 'feel' to write things again... to do some updating of my not-so-interesting life --- hahahahaha

chayok chayok~~

i am and will be...

dengan berbakikan 2 bulan dan beberapa hari lagi, aku semakin terasa bebanannya di kedua bahuku.
minda aku yang selama ini ringan dan riang semakin terasa gerak kembangnya.
sedangkan badanku merasa tempiasnya, apa lagi hati dan emosiku.
di mana degup debar jantungku terasa sehingga ke hujung jari dan uncang permata mata semakin memberat mengaburi.
rembesan berterusan dan tidak menunjukkan tanda berhenti dan terus membiarkan dalaman berubah rasa sekelip mata.

siapa kata angka tidak memberi sebarang makna dengan masa dan jarumnya. siapa kata angka cumalah angka, tiada bezanya. siapa kata angka hanya bertambah sekadar di kalendar. datang angka datang dengan bebanannya. hadir angka hadir dengan tanggungjawabnya. tampak angka tampak dengan pilihannya.

menjadi DUA.PULUH.SATU...

now that i am almost reaching 21, im starting to feel the pressure... the pressure of CHOICES that i have to make.. never before had it occur to my childish mind that the number of twenty-one will MEAN BUSINESS! its BIG! its HUGE! its BURDENING!

all these while, for the past twenty-years of my life, i had been nothing but selfish.. all the things i've done.. all the things i've said... all the choices i've made... were all based on me and myself alone.. there are a few times i have thought that i am such an amazing person.. i have thought that i have done a lot of things for others, sacrificing for others, giving deeds to others.. what a HUMANE thing i had done... ]

but only now, or specifically yesterday, i come to realize that i am indeed a selfish being... i had yet truly understand the meaning of sacrifice... what and how does sacrifice really is.. i had yet to experience what does it really mean to decide something with my mind thinking about others and ONLY others, with me being the last one to satisfy.. i had yet to grasp the meaning of being an adult and the things adults are tied to.. the obligations of being one...

but now, today, this moment... i know i have to do something... i know that the CHANGE has to be done... i shall no longer be the childish-ignorant me but to be the childish-aware-matured me.. the world needs me as much as i need the world and its contents... but the question is....

AM I READY????

am i ready?
am i ready to let go of all the things that i thought had given me life?
things that i thought had taught me the word fun?
things that i thought had been what the world is all about?
to let go of the things i love dearly but contributes nothing to whats important?
to leave the excessive-entertainment world that had accompanied my past years?
to take and receive only what i need but to give more than the world needs it?

am i ready to be a new me?

i have never thought that two simple questions that i had never seriously think about can open my eyes and ears and heart to realize that i am, and will be

a TWENTY-ONE years old adult



huh.... questions are hard...

CAN WE BLAME THEM???

movies, especially, nowadays are trying to 'show the reality' and to 'remind the world of the truth of terrorism'. producers are actively digging 'the truth' to give the 'reality check' to everyone.....

sadly, most of the potrayals are false and wrong.... but sometimes i cudnt help to have a thinking of "WHO COULD BLAME THEM???"

look around and you'll see wat i mean....

if what the world are saying about us muslims are wrong, of what they are potraying us in the big screen are wrong, can we prove it otherwise???

ask ourselves, whatever they have said about muslims, are they wrong? can we, ourselves, prove them wrong....

sometimes we forget, that when there are no other resorts, we ourselves is the best evidence. QUDWAH HASANAH, isnt that wat our prophet s.a.w thought us?? with that alone, thousands of people converted into islam... with that alone, millions of people choose islam, just by seeing our prophet p.b.u.h and his sohabah and our imams and ulamaks way of life and personality... but of what we are now, are we qualify to say that we are the evidence that muslims are not like what we've been potrayed??

with how we are now, not really a good follower, muslims students are far worse than non-muslim students in our own religion study, doesnt even know what solat or quran or even the basic of being a muslim, shahadah..... and doesnt know our history, and worse, DOESNT EVEN WANT TO KNOW any of these... can we prove the world otherwise???

can we blame them for playing with our GOD and prophet p.b.u.h and our holy Qur'an.... when we dont even know the importance and substance to fight and defend our religion?

can we blame them for toying with our belief and faiths... when we are following them in every aspects of lifestyle and the way they talk and live(referring to bad things only)?

can we blame them to laugh hard on us... when we are who we are, how we are right now???

the world - WARNING!! this article is based on my own thinking~

for years in my 20 years of living, i had never take a good look at the world news.. news that involves politics and their players, international terrorism and inter-relationships, national security or any of those kinds of news. news that from my point of view are full of nothing but lies and agendas, deceptions and corruptions, and of course, conspiracies....

but today, this particular day, my head is facing that and only that direction. sadly, only now i realize of all the things that had happened in this world... and i dont know what to say..

lately, people had become so LOUD. everyone now seems to found their courage to SPEAK of their opinions and thinking. magazines, newspapers, cartoonists, movie producers, reporters, somehow everyone, just everyone... talking.. saying what they are thinking from their own perspectives.. potraying everything of their own versions..

im speechless.... right now, if i can ask for something, there is one thing i wish i cud have --> the ability to speak well, speak with knowledge that able to convince people.

huh~ i dunno. really, i dunno what to say right now, i dun even know what am i feeling right now... but i know part of me are mad. im feeling pretty angry but towards who? one thing for certain,i know one of those im mad at is myself....

movies, magazines, newspapers, all kind of mediums there are nowadays, giving informations, they are out of control. i guess its true, tounges are really much more dangerous than any weapons. a gun can kill a heart but words can kill a soul, a life, an image. words can start a war! words kill someone in a way that no weapons can do the same. they kill slowly and much more painfully than anything.

the point is...

in every movies now, there will always a scene that involves somehow or rather some kind of "bin laden" or "moslims" or "al-qaeda" that are ALWAYS related to bombings and suicides and "jihad". fine, if they are the bad guys, then fine. but leave our religion alone! every fahaman,religion, philosophies, in any era and time, there will always some sort of rebelions and extremists.. the christians have their extremists, hindus, buddhas, atheists and i am not denying, muslims themselves. it is the nature of people that sometimes it is hard to accept other beliefs, to take things more seriously than how it is, to elaborate and complicate tings, but it is never, and i mean NEVER the wrong of the religion. that is just how people are!

in every religions, countries, and even politics, when there are differences, there will be competitions, and that will always produces extremists.. even the smallest thing like two group of kids, fighting for a toy. one kid will start the fight just because he thinks he ought to have the toy. its the sense of selfness that creates extremist. not the group.

there are good moslims and bad moslims just as how it is as the kewujudan of good christians and bad christians or good buddhist and the other way round. the fault are not of what these bad people hold to but of who they are and what they want... it is their fault of not really holding to what they were taught and not understanding the real meaning of every teachings. the religion is just how it is, it is a guidance forthose who believe.

but i guess it is also the nature of the world.....
one man did a wrong thing, potraying the wrong meaning of "jihad" and people are fussing about that when there are thousands, millions of other followers, all over the world that can show what "jihad" really means, with one and ONLY meaning of it.











"it is a fact....Muslims don't care who they kill....including each other..."

"Well here it is Friday again. .......The day that millions of devout muslims go to their mosques to pray, worship, and BLOW EACH OTHER TO HELL.

Now that's what I call a RELIGION OF PEACE."

Muslims are too busy partying when infidels are dieing to be crying. Your supposed to celebrate this victory in the name of satan oops i mean Allah"


words like these... is it fair to throw all the blame to the religion? is it fair to throw the blame to other followers of the religion?

words like these... dont we all feel the burden to correct it? to prove that real moslims are DEFINITELY not like wat the bad people are potraying?!!

wake up, people.... those who had said their shahadah.... those who have moslims friends, relatives and people they know, wake up and be burdened! life is not to be taken lightly anymore... we are in the end of the world-life.... life is not something to just "live and die" without a fight.... thats the reality....

but sadly, NO ONE CARE.... not too care to even try to be a good follower~

boikot dsb

hmm... isu ni tah masih hangat lagi atau tidak... tapi tah kenape tergerak nak diperkatakan.. sekadar pandangan... jika salah, sila betulkan~~

sejak kat sekolah lagi mmg da slalu dgr perihal boikot nih... maser tu mmg senanglah nk ikut sebb semua org kat sekeliling buat benda yg same... tak penah sangat dipersoalkan sbb semua org pon boikot together.. kat umah pon umi baba slalu pesan, so mmg slalu ikut jer...

tp skrg nih bila da kuar, barulah sedar betapa susahnyer nak buat ape yg kita da bljr... sampai aku sendiri tak terkater.. nak wat camaner, mereka yg diluar nih kekdang jauh lagi pandai berhujah dari aku... sampai aku sendiri terkelu~

tapi kenaper?? kenaper kena persoalkan tujuan kita boikot??? sedih bila aku dengar org2 yg aku sangkakan punya intelek tinggi berhujah sebegini;

"bukannya ade efek pon kalau kita boikot"

"takkan berenti pon perang tuh kalau kita boikot"

"alah, kalau boikot pon, bukan org palestin selamat pon"

bagi aku, aku ingin membantu memboikot bukan sekadar menanti efeknya sahaja. Tapi aku sentiasa ingat apa yg umi pesan;

“kita hidup bukan untuk dunia je. Tapi untuk akhirat”

Kita muslim adalah MUKALLAF yang bererti ‘mereka yang bertanggungjawab’. Aku ingat mase hari aku dapat pegang jawatan tinggi masa kat skolah, umi ngan baba pesankan;

“benda ni satu tanggungjawab. Besa tanggungjawabnya. Kalau rase xdpt buat, cakap tros. Kalau ade masalah sket pon, Tuhan akan Tanya ifa.. masa tuh susah ifa nak jawab nnt.”

Bagi aku, samalah dengan sekarang. Isu palestin ni bukan isu yang kecik tapi isu agama kita yg dicerobohi… bayangkan nanti di padang mahsyar, andainya Tuhan Tanya aku;

“apa yang telah kau lakukan untuk saudara2mu?”

Alangkah bahagianya dan bertuahnya bagi mereka yang dapat menjawab;

“aku berjuang bersama mereka”

Tapi aku tahu aku x mampu nak jwbmcm tuh. So atleast aku tahu aku boleh jawab, akubantu boikot…. Betul tak?

lagi sedih bila ade yg cakap ngan aku;

"aku tanak jadi hipokrit boikot2 nih. mcD, kfc aku boikot tapi facebook, google aku tak boikot.. baik tayah boikot tros"

saudaraku, usah dibangkitkan isu hipokrit.. usah dipergunakan isu hipokrit sbg alasan.. usah diperkatakan mereka yg boikot sini tapi xboikot sane sbg mereka yg hipokrit.. hipokrit tu ade di mane2.. usah berbohonglah dirimu bukan seorang yg hipokrit~~~

hipokrasi atau x hipokrasi... mmg susah nak boikot semua.. itu xdinafikan... bak kate semua org, iman kita laen2~ setiap org ade kemampuannya... selagi kita mampu, buatlah ape yg kita mampu...

aku sendiri pon xmampu nak memboikot kesemuanya (sayang sekali) tapi andainya aku mampu boikot satu je pon, itu satulah yg aku akan boikot..

apa salahnyer kita tak gne l'oreal? safi pon ader~
ape salahnyer xminum starbuck? kedai mamak ader~
ape salahnyer x pakai calvin klein? gudang hari-hari ade~
ape salahnyer xmakan mcD dan berlapar? sekali sekala merasa ape yg saudara2 kita rase, xsalah kan? hanya setakat satu hari (cthnya) berlapar.. sekali sekala merenung naseb mereka di sana dan menitiskan air mata... mudah2an air mata kita tuh jadi saksi cinta kita pada saudara kita di akhirat sane~

apa sangat maknanyer kita berlapar dari mcD dan kfc sedangkan mereka kat saner berlapar makanan.....

aku hormati aper yang sahabat2 aku suarakan di luar sane… yg menyatakan pendapat mereka. Memang semuanya berhak bersuara tetapi usahlah sampai ade juga yang mentertawakan mereka yg berboikot dengan bersungguh2... menuduh mereka 'poyo', 'hipokrit', 'xrasional' dsb...

kalau anda tak boikot, itu hal anda.. tapi usah mentertawakan mereka yang ingin berjuang bersama saudara palestin di sana. memang berjihad adalah sesuatu yang mustahil tapi kami memboikot dengan harapan, inilah cara kami berjihad.. dengan harapan, usaha ini dipandang oleh Allah sebagai perjuangan kami. jangan memncilkan kami andai anda tidak mahu bersama~

setiap orang ada wadahnya dalam membantu, andai doa sahaja yang anda mampu, lakukannya. Tapi jangan sekali merendahkan yang lain.

Tuhan lebih pentingkan usaha daripada hasilnya kerana kadang2 hasil itu adalah hadiah dari Tuhan itu sendiri… samalah, memang telah Dia janjikan sejak dulu lagi bahawa islam akan kembali menyinar satu hari nanti. Kita semua yakin dengan itu.

Cuma persoalannya sekarang, adakah kita ingin menjadi antara mereka yang membantu menaikkannya semula atau tidak. Tuhan tidak memaksa sebab yang rugi adalah kita~~~

just kidding

with my leg injured and my mouth attacked by tonsils and this weak body fighting the fever.... ive got stucked in my house, doing nothing so i just sat and start scribbling with my computer.... reading my mom's and my sis' blog...hmm.... i have to say im JEALOUS~

last week, which happen to be THE best week after soooooooo long, i went to my old school... as i go around, meeting and seeing others that i had missed after 3 years gone from that 'beloved' school, there was this one question that never fail to be asked...

"Bila nak kawen?"

hahahahahaaha... ade yang siap offer nak tolong carikan... my dearest guru besar dah tergelak2 sibuk cakap pasal kawen, he even PROMISED to talk to my dad and actually BINCANG with him about me gettng married... well, i can see now that everyone was concerned about my marriage... hahahhahaha my cheek muscle (?) was **** hurt, smiling and laughing all day~

even my juniors, some who just passed by and recognized me, keep saying d same thing;

"Kawen n anti jangan lupa ajak..."

hahahaha.... wat a world... yeah, dat whole day and d next day, which i went again, dat matter was still a hot topic.... hahaha... i took dat as just a joke. something that im not gonna consider until i know im ready...

BUT

now i dunno... i mean, reading my sis' blog, she seems veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery happy~~ and im hepi for her but sisters are sisters... how can i not get jeleS of her?! all these past years... we were always been compared... eversince we were kids, we were very competitive~ watever i have, she wants it and watever she has, i MUST have it too..

wen she got married, i cud never accept that~ imagine, during her ceremony, i stayed at the kitchen, with my beautiful baju kurung, DOING DISHES!!!!! somehow, i cudnt angkat my kaki(s) to go see her, EATING HAPPILY SUAP2 WITH A GUY I DUN EVEN KNOW!! hahaha now i think about it again, how silly~

and now she has a baby~ gosh, everyone was sooooooo happy and even my parents got rrrrrealy cheesy~ hahahaha sorry, no offense, just, well, u know... hahaah now im jeles~

now i wish i am married and happy with a husband and a child... ^+^

but again, how cud i... my frens once told me,

"I think u need to marry a guy who knows u, who understands u, or he will suffer~"

hahaha something like dat laa... coz they said im a very complicated-konon-la kinda girl... very hard to understand and really needs someone to take care of me...

really?~

yeah, i guess~ well, then i guess, i just need to wait... lagipun, sapelah nak kat aku ni......

l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l <--MY SISTER VS ME---> .

why oh why?

Had never been like this…
Had never felt like this…
Had never… hope never…

Despair!!

Desperate!!

Distracted!!

Frantic!!

Forlorn!!

Desolate!!

Inconsolable!!

Hopeless!!

Tired!!

Fatigued!!

Drained!!

Exhausted!!

Oh, please.. take it away~
Go away~
Fly away~
Be away~