i am and will be...

dengan berbakikan 2 bulan dan beberapa hari lagi, aku semakin terasa bebanannya di kedua bahuku.
minda aku yang selama ini ringan dan riang semakin terasa gerak kembangnya.
sedangkan badanku merasa tempiasnya, apa lagi hati dan emosiku.
di mana degup debar jantungku terasa sehingga ke hujung jari dan uncang permata mata semakin memberat mengaburi.
rembesan berterusan dan tidak menunjukkan tanda berhenti dan terus membiarkan dalaman berubah rasa sekelip mata.

siapa kata angka tidak memberi sebarang makna dengan masa dan jarumnya. siapa kata angka cumalah angka, tiada bezanya. siapa kata angka hanya bertambah sekadar di kalendar. datang angka datang dengan bebanannya. hadir angka hadir dengan tanggungjawabnya. tampak angka tampak dengan pilihannya.

menjadi DUA.PULUH.SATU...

now that i am almost reaching 21, im starting to feel the pressure... the pressure of CHOICES that i have to make.. never before had it occur to my childish mind that the number of twenty-one will MEAN BUSINESS! its BIG! its HUGE! its BURDENING!

all these while, for the past twenty-years of my life, i had been nothing but selfish.. all the things i've done.. all the things i've said... all the choices i've made... were all based on me and myself alone.. there are a few times i have thought that i am such an amazing person.. i have thought that i have done a lot of things for others, sacrificing for others, giving deeds to others.. what a HUMANE thing i had done... ]

but only now, or specifically yesterday, i come to realize that i am indeed a selfish being... i had yet truly understand the meaning of sacrifice... what and how does sacrifice really is.. i had yet to experience what does it really mean to decide something with my mind thinking about others and ONLY others, with me being the last one to satisfy.. i had yet to grasp the meaning of being an adult and the things adults are tied to.. the obligations of being one...

but now, today, this moment... i know i have to do something... i know that the CHANGE has to be done... i shall no longer be the childish-ignorant me but to be the childish-aware-matured me.. the world needs me as much as i need the world and its contents... but the question is....

AM I READY????

am i ready?
am i ready to let go of all the things that i thought had given me life?
things that i thought had taught me the word fun?
things that i thought had been what the world is all about?
to let go of the things i love dearly but contributes nothing to whats important?
to leave the excessive-entertainment world that had accompanied my past years?
to take and receive only what i need but to give more than the world needs it?

am i ready to be a new me?

i have never thought that two simple questions that i had never seriously think about can open my eyes and ears and heart to realize that i am, and will be

a TWENTY-ONE years old adult



huh.... questions are hard...